Monday, August 30, 2010

Melancoholy Monday

mel·an·chol·y [ méllən kòllee ]

*feeling or causing sadness: feeling or making somebody feel a thoughtful or gentle sadness

*pensive sadness: a thoughtful or gentle sadness

Today I am very melancholy. My Mother left at 11:00 a.m. today to visit my cousin Helga. We all know this will be the last time she or any of us see Helga. I don't think Helga is long for this world. In her last e-mail to me she said she is taking one step forward and three steps backward.

The last time I saw Helga was 4 years ago. We didn't have much alone time. I had hoped that we would be able to take some time to get to know each other as adults, form a close friendship.

We have never been very close. Mostly due to the thousands of miles between us.

I am sad that she is leaving this world so young. She is only a few months older than I am. She has a son who is a few years older than The Baby. Like me, he was a product of artificial insemination. Again, like me, she raised him for many years without the aid of a partner. Once more, like me, she found someone to share her life with and raise her son with. I feel sorry for her boyfriend of 20 years. He is a bit younger than her and I fear he will be lost without her.

I want to tell her Goodbye. I don't know how. Do I tell her now? Do I wait and hope I can say goodbye before she passes? What do I say?

For now, I think I will wait. For now, I will be melancholy.

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quiltfool said...

Cynthia, hang in there. I have lots of thoughts I'd like to share, but can't get them out as comments.

BTW, the hairspray was canned, but pump should work just as well and be better for the planet. Lane

Quilting in My Pyjamas said...

Oh Cynthia- I'm so sorry you;re feeling like this but it's completely natural under the circumstances.

You'll know when the right time to do whatever you need to do is. For now you just need to take some time to sort through all your emotions and thoughts.

Im thinking of you.

AnnieO said...

Sadness is not a comfortable feeling--there are a lot of people to be sad for in your family. Hugs to you!

Personally, if Helga were my cousin, I would not wait to tell her how much I wished we were closer and that I will miss her--especially certain as it is that she will not last. Sometimes the time left is so much shorter than can be imagined.

Barb H said...

Oh, Cynthia, don't wait to tell Helga how much you love her and will miss her. It's likely that she knows the end is near and hearing your words will help her on her journey to the next stage of life. Don't wiat too long--you'll never have another chance. My heart goes out to you in this painful and difficult time.

Marg said...

I'm so sorry for Helga and all her family and friends. My heart goes out to you, it is so difficult to know what to say to someone in these circumstances.
Thinking of you and wishing you support from far away, Marg

Linda said...

that's really hard. I've had to say good-bye before, and the best I can say is it's important to ask the questions and say the things that need to be. It's really hard to live with them still in you.
If you are unsure about calling, write first, send it or not, then call, maybe after you know she's received it. Hope you find peace,

Michelle said...

I'm sorry Cynthia. I'm so overwhelmed with my own loss and the changes it has wrought, that I just don't have any good advice--except that I wouldn't wait to tell Helga what she means to you.

Shevvy said...

Its such a horrible position to be in. Just try and go with what feels right to you and if nothing does accept that as well.
Its so easy to second guess ourselves and wish we did things differently in hindsight but it doesn't help.
Its especially hard when there are distances involved, I go through this every time I go to Ireland as I have a lot of elderly relations who have had long term illnesses over there.