Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Walking the Dog

Big has decided "WE" need to get healthier. She is a big fan of the gym, I am not. I am happy to sit on my big butt and sew, quilt, knit, crochet, etc. I do walk the dog everyday, but according to Big, walking around the block is not enough exercise for me.

While Big was on vacation last week, we began to take the dog to the park for a walk. It is a nice park. It has a flat surface, which around here is prime. They supply you with poop bags, which is also prime. If I walk the whole loop, I get in a nice 2 mile walk.

I strive to make Big happy, so I decided to take myself and the dog for a walk at the park this morning. I even rolled out of bed early so that I could get on the path early. I looked out the window, saw the sun was shining and decided a sweatshirt would keep me warm. I think I must have been having a hot flash at this time and those make my mind fuzzy and I don't always think straight. When I got in the car I had to run the defroster, I must have still be in my hot flash mode. I got to the park, got the dog poop bags and started my walk. Dude, it was freaking cold! I thought about turning back, but wanted to make Big happy, so I kept going.

I noticed many other walkers. They were smart, they had hats and gloves and jackets! They must have been seasoned walkers. I figured if I kept walking I would warm up. I kept picking up my speed, it wasn't helping. I began to hope the dog would poop so I could pick it up in my little bag and hold it in my hands. I know, gross, but I was on the verge of frost bite at this time!

There were some old guys walking the track. They were walking in the opposite direction as me and as they passed they would smile, say good morning and look at my chest. I looked down to see if I had spilled something on my shirt and forgot about it, only to realize I didn't put a bra on this morning. My breasties were swinging like a Metronome! The faster I walked, the more they swung! It was if they were keeping a silent beat for my feet to follow.

It was at this point I realized I had to pee. The bathroom was still a good bit away and I began to consider peeing my pants. I thought it would help me get warm and possibly run all the way down my legs to my feet and thaw my frozen toes. I then realized it would only make me colder once the warmness went away and I might have a hard time explaining the icicles hanging off my butt. I tried to walk faster, but I kept stumbling because of the numbness in my toes. (I had always heard how important toes were for balance.)

I finally made it to the car. I got in, cranked the engine, turned the heater on full blast, put my hands between my legs and began to make a sort of moaning noise of happiness. Remember those old guys who were looking at my chest earlier? You should have seen them looking at me now!

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quiltfool said...

Pass a tissue to wipe away the laughing tears! Stay warm. Lane

Trish said...

You. Are. Laugh. Out. Loud. FUNNY!

Hope you are now snuggled under a quilt!!!

Quilting in My Pyjamas said...

And thats what happens when you excersize -you nut!

Oh my - I had to stiffle laughter because everyone here is still asleep.

Tomorrow. you stay home in your pyjamas and sew something!

Cameron said...

Freakin Hilarious!

Thanks for the laugh! :D

Carin said...

That was a good laugh !!!

Marg said...

Haven't you learned yet that exercise is bad for you. That was very very funny. You crack me up, I could visualise every part of that. Thanks for sharing your pain,lol.

Shevvy said...

This made me laugh for ages. I had to wait to calm down to comment! Well not quite that bad, but you get the idea!
I'm with Shay and Marg, who on earth thinks exercise is good for you?
But on the plus side, it was probably the biggest thrill the old guys had had for ages.